• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

• I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

• If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

• Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

• Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet

• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me!

• You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

• Remember your yesterdays, dream your tomorrows and live your todays.

• Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

• Women wish to be loved not because they are pretty, or good, or well bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.

• Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

• My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.

• If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

• Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?

• Silence is a girl's loudest cry.

• My job is secure. No one else wants it.

• Marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning

• How do I set my laser printer on stun?

• If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

• Hard work never killed anybody – but why take the risk!

• Old people love to give good advice; it compensates them for their inability to set a bad example.

• What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

• Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

• If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

• Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

• It's amazing what you can hide just by putting on a smile

• A closed mouth gathers no foot.

• Life resembles a novel more often than a novel resembles life.

• If I can’t have what I want, let me want what I have.

• Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

• What disease did cured ham actually have?

• If the shoe fits, buy it.

• Nothing improves the memory more than trying to forget.

• If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?

• A wise man does not need advice and a fool won’t take it.