search for tag 'Headspace' requested

Events, dear boy, events.*

2013-07-06 19:07:40 - by alisonw Personal Headspace

Well, yesterday I promised a post here on what I did on my holidays Friday afternoon. If you didn't see the notice then go visit my twitter and facebook pages sometime (!), but anyway …

Last year sometime I saw someone tweet that she would offer a free session to her 1000th follower. 'She' in this instance being a Harley Street shrink (at the expensive end of the road) and the session otherwise charged at £300.

Reader, I gamed the system. As the number crept up the 990s I waited for #998 then followed her with a spare twitter account then my own. And so I 'won'... but events affected my availability such that it took until last Friday before we actually met and, I have to say, I was more than a little scared of what might happen. Unsure exactly _why_ but whilst I am aware of my own limitations and am terribly self-introspective (does that need to 'self-' there? not sure) I also know that I'm liable to sound completely messed up on occasions.

So, anyway, I walked in (stairs. and no lift. not good) and we chatted. Earlier in the week I'd sent her a two-pager about my medical history and such for background (and to not waste time while I was there) and she'd asked on Thursday what I wanted her to concentrate on. I told her that as so many people had accused me of being Aspie (aka said they thought I showed typical symptoms, etc, from their personal knowledge of other Aspies) that any guidance she could give on the matter would be appreciated. She has a particular interest and expertise in ADHD/ Anxiety/ Autism and Asperger's Syndrome/ Depression/ OCD and such, so this seemed appropriate.

But in the end that was put aside for a while - she then said, basically, 'Oh yes, it is so obvious we don't really need to think about it' ;-0

What she did come up with, though, was that my interpretation of being Cyclothymic (whereas my GP had only said 'Depression') was incorrect. She had little hesitation in saying that I was Bi-Polar, type 2. This was, frankly, a surprise. Though once I read the WP article (and WP is surprisingly good on medical stuff) it did fit. *Very*.

So, going from an assumption and a 'lesser evil' I've now got two conditions which I didn't know about. Whether such a diagnosis will make any changes to what I do (eg. the Citalopram is very contra-indicated) I don't know yet.

We also talked about a number of other things, but they won't get detailed here (sorry!)

But I'm pleased I went …

* https://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/personal-view/3577416/As-Macmillan-never-said-thats-enough-quotations.html


2012-05-13 19:16:46 - by alisonw Personal Headspace

Yesterday I woke up at 6am (yes! really! it does exist!) but delayed getting out of bed for a whole 70 minutes, after which I went into town to go to a Mozilla MDN hack event at their new London office. There were bagels and everything! (except, dammit, proper coffee.)

I listened to talks, I took an interest in the job openings they have (ahuh, yeah, that's been a shock), and wrote some code based around HTML5 and Canvas.

And I presented my bit of work to the assembled throngs, having got it into a semi-presentable state while others were demoing, such that I was the last one up. And it went well, I thought.

And I came home and did stuff and all was well with the world.

:: cut to some hours later ::

I'm now watching the RedSox game and hacking some more on the code I'd been working on earlier in the day when I note a email has arrived telling me that someone at the hackday had posted their pictures on flickr. So I go for a look-see.

And see the final pic.

It is of me.

It makes me look absolutely FUGLY. No question it is absolutely revolting. Which means, irrefutably, that I am.

The photographer is not at fault, nor is his camera (though as mine is the last photo uploaded maybe I broke the lens - wouldn't surprise me) but it has really brought home to me just how terrible I look to others. I can't really continue looking in the mirror before I go out and think I'm 'ok' 'cos I can see for myself that I'm really *really* not.

I'm not sure what to do about this new knowledge. I've got Paul to delete the photo but that isn't stopping my brain from dwelling on it and upsetting me through the night and today. I'm really not feeling like ever going out again, or maybe throwing acid at my face or something just to give me an excuse. Well, not likely (I'm not good with _receiving_ pain) but that is the 'state of the brane'.

Time was when I would turn heads *towards* me, now I want to turn my own head away from me and can quite understand why I'm in the lack-of-relationship-or-sex state I'm in.

awww shit.

I want to vent …

2011-10-09 00:09:00 - by alisonw Personal Headspace

but I'm not sure where to do so. Because, in some ways, it feels like I've failed if I vent about this when I should just ignore it. But …

So, I'm working on this idea for an online service. I realised I wanted some particular functionality for myself so went to look for it, certain that it should already exist. Except I discovered it didn't, and was surprised. After I'd written it I realised it might make a decent app and even be marketable, so I created a 'teaser' website for it, and a facebook page, and a twitter account; all the stuff the new kids do.

And someone I hoped never to hear from again in my life *ever* has 'liked' the facebook page.

Frankly, I'd have thought she had more sense, but then I was mistaken in so many ways about her all those years' ago that I suppose I shouldn't really have been surprised. She is a proven liar, cheat, and bitch and, it seems, completely senseless.

I've banned her, obviously, but being reminded of the mere existence of her has annoyed me. And I don't like the fact that I can't stop myself wasting that energy.

Anyway …

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